MORE ABOUT ME…

My name is Tim Patterson. I am a husband, father, Southern Baptist Minister, and Network Administrator/Engineer. I currently work at North Greenville University in Tigerville, SC. Erin is my wife and Veronica my daughter is just something special. I like reading, discussing theology, photography, sports, and being a couch potato when time permits.

Why Apparent Contradictions?

I have based a large part of my life on the premise that two statements that contradict one another cannot both be true. I am also aware that I sometimes live a life that seems inconsistent with this belief. Often times this creates apparent contradictions. I am now inviting you to be apart of them.

Is Redneck Contagious?

Over the past few weeks I have noticed the beginnings of a terrible affliction befalling my sweet little girl.  It started slowly at first, but I have noticed considerable advances of the disease in the last few days and now it is starting to trouble me by its depth and pace.

I am talking about southerntalkus redneckis.  Sorry for the latin there, but I felt the need to make sure you know exactly what the illness is if you should so choose to talk about it with your doctor as I plan to do the next time we take Veronica to see hers.  At this time we are still not certain if it is a chronic illness or how acute it may become, but it definitely appears to be a largely regional illness at this time.  I have noticed it is worse after being around others also affected by the illness, especially those that are close friends and teachers.  And, I am finding the "I am an 8 year old and I trust everyone over my Mommy and Daddy" strain seems very hard to treat, although occasionally the symptoms have been beaten back with references to the over counter dictionarymajora root and its associated pronunciation guide.

As of this post I have found no research into a possible vaccine and I intend to immediately start a lobby group to get this issue on the national agenda.  I also encourage all of you to contact the pharmaceutical companies and ask them to devote billions of dollars to a treatment of this real illness and not to the creation of drugs prior to their being an illness (do you hear me "restless leg syndrome").  After that we need to insist that a multibillion dollar ad campaign be devoted to the public awareness of the drug and maybe even the disease.  We will tell everyone to ask your doctor for it by name and they will know exactly what it is because we will have lobbied for drug reps to order in pizza at all of the local medical offices and tie up the staff for hours to explain the benefits of this new miracle drug (sorry waiting room full of "sick" people, but this is just too important to be slowed by your mundane illnesses).  Of course all this research and public campaigning will have cost so much that the medicine will likely cost way to much for those without medical insurance to afford and it may even be so expensive that some insurance companies will raise their rates and yes some companies may no longer offer their employees health care benefits because of the rising cost to them, but who cares.  This is important and we have a solution to the whole problem in one tiny little pill.  There will be no need for us to actually teach the public objective truths, to call for real parental involvement, or to practice safe communication.  It is all there in our pill for a reasonable cost.

Will you please join me in my quest to save Veronica and all of the children like her before it is to late?  We must do something before Babel falls again (this time of our own creation)!  I need volunteers now.  PLEASE HELP!

Update:  It appears their are three new mutations of this illness already.  BostonianCHOWDAconfusiousness, Wisconsoncheeseheaddrawism, and Canadian"eeh"itis.  We must hurry.

4 comments:

  1. Erin said...
     

    Our dear, dear, daughter...I don't know what we are going to do.

  2. Anonymous said...
     

    I found your post very humorous. Indeed Redneck is contagious. It can be remedied though with a nice cold glass of sweet tea with sugar in it. I hate to say it, but I actually miss chatting with you Patterson, especially with all those times you tried to kill me for being stupid. Where have all the years gone? I hope you and your family are well and are continually blessed as only His Grace can bestow. And I post anonymous, but you know who this is. And by the way...pixie sticks still hold a bitter taste in my mouth.

  3. Adoption Etiquette said...
     

    Poor V has parents who won't let her say, "Aint, dagnabit, and darntootin." ;) Thus far they do not make a prescription or vax againist redneckitous, but avoiding ho-downs and hushpuppies could help.

  4. obladi oblada said...
     

    oh, I feel your pain. I lived with BostonianCHOWDA strain for a while. I met some awesome people in NE, but Im glad I still speak "normal". lol.

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