Apparent Contradictions...

I am sitting in the kitchen, helping Veronica work on her homework, doing a little bit of odds and ends for my work, and trying to catch up on the joys that are the internet. I had just started helping Veronica with some math problems and given her some time to work them out and the next thing I know she is in tears talking to me about her brother and sister that she has not seen in years and did not remember prior to one of the final parental meetings just prior to her being adopted, when her birth mother decided to pull the entire family (even grandparents) in for a final visit. The tailspin that this threw Veronica in still continues to this day and at times I believe will continue in some way for the rest of her life.

I am not upset about her feelings, her desire to talk about them, her longing to remember more, and to make sure that they are okay. In all of those things I wish I could help and do more, but I can't. God has not given me this ability, so I sit and listen and sometimes (like today) I fume at those who have hurt my daughter. The many ways they have carelessly damaged my child. The time it will take her to see these scars as the parts of life that will one day make her the incredible person she is to become (all a part of the mysterious and glorious providence of God). I am angry and I hurt for her and that makes me angry on days like today and I am totally powerless.

All I can do is sit, listen, dry her tears, and hope for the day this does not hurt her so badly. And maybe a time when I can forgive those who have done this to her and not burn with hatred toward them as badly as I do today.

I am going to be posting my brains out this weekend because I finished my marathon email project up for the University. I have probably only slept a couple of hours per night the last two weeks, but it is done and it is ready to go for the faculty, staff, and students on Monday.

I know I have been a bit sporadic to say the least these last few weeks, but it has been a very trying time in the Patterson household. I will give you a quick run down.

Today in local news an area man's awesome weekend at home with his wife and daughter was tragically cut short late Sunday evening as he began to think about the week of work at hand.

What a terribly long week this has been.  I am not sure if it has been this way for everyone, but this has been a relentlessly long, relentlessly taxing, strange week.

I work in a service field that at times becomes overwhelmed by ego maniacs that live their life as though they are the most important people in the universe (IT not Ministry, although at times it would fit there as well). I constantly resist the temptation to see my role as an end onto itself but as one who serves and facilitates the success of others in their work. I have allowed my desire to serve others and to not take myself too seriously that it has created a major problem. Every time a request for my assistance comes to my office, I immediately categorize the need as "Urgent" and begin a frenzy of effort until the issue is resolved. If multiple issues come in before I can clear the previous requests, I have no problem prioritizing them and working until all the issues are resolved.

The problem is that I fail miserably when I have a problem come into my office at the end of the day. I immediately spring into action diagnosing the problem and taking on the weight of the world onto my shoulders until I can fix it. I lose sight of the fact that I have already worked all day, that I don't get paid overtime (although I regularly work it), and that my wife and child are at home waiting for my time.

I know the reason I do this is because I understand that every time someone calls my office it is likely the most important and most urgent need that they have to get the job assigned them by the University completed. I take very seriously my responsibility to help them. What I do wrong is that I assume everything that is important is urgent. It is not. Important things will always be important and urgent things will always be urgent, but that doesn't mean that everything I do has to be some all consuming-Indiana Jones-like quest. No work I have ever done has change the world for the benefit of all mankind. No contribution I have ever made has saved the life of someone else. Staying late does not make me a better worker. Staying late does not make the work I do better or more valuable. Working more does not make me a better "Daddy" to Veronica or a better "Hubs" to Erin. It just means that I fail to place the proper importance on urgent things.

I have to spend more time remembering that I do important work. I respond to urgent issues. There are times that I absolutely need push on and stay until the work is done. However, the most important thing is that I do not need to do this all the time, and the urgent needs are at home. The lives I will change are those of Veronica and Erin and the lives that they can change by the contribution I make to them. With all this being said it is urgent that I understand the importance of understanding real urgency.

I have been a fan of Jonathan Edwards for years (the theologian - not the cheating, fornicating politician from my hometown of Seneca, SC) and I am hard pressed to think of many other theologians that have had the impact of me that he has. Starting in 1722 he began writing a series of some of the most significant and staggering resolutions that have ever been written and he continued to until he had a total of 70 that he recorded his last in August of 1723. The weight of all his resolutions are far too much for me to attempt at this point in my life, but I am definitely going to be including some of his resolutions in with mine for the year. I am going to share some of mine with you now.

1.) Spend more time with family, and less at work (correlary: to spend less time with family that I am actually thinking about work).

2.) To not blame the dogs for that strange smell in the air when Erin and I are cuddling up on the couch.

3.) Resolved, that I will do whatsoever I think to be most to God' s glory, and my own good, profit and pleasure, in the whole of my duration, without any consideration of the time, whether now, or never so many myriads of ages hence. Resolved to do whatever I think to be my duty and most for the good and advantage of mankind in general. Resolved to do this, whatever difficulties I meet with, how many soever, and how great soever. (clearly one of Edwards)

4.) To eat better, work out more, lose weight, get more sleep, and all the rest of the normal New Year's resolutions that most people have already started ignoring by this point in the new year. I just figured I would get it all out of the way now.

5.) To speak with grace, edification, and love. Unless someone is being an idiot and then it is totally fair game to tell them.

6.) Resolved, to examine carefully, and constantly, what that one thing in me is, which causes me in the least to doubt of the love of God; and to direct all my forces against it. (Edwards again)

7.) To never settle for mediocrity as a husband and father.

8.) To spend more time leading by example and to remember that the example is to be of the most ideal good and not what is easy, popular, or quick.

9.) Resolved, never to lose one moment of time; but improve it the most profitable way I possibly can. (Edwards)

10.) Resolved, to live with all my might, while I do live. (Edwards)

If you have any other ideas please let me know what to consider by leaving a comment below. These can be fun, funny, or profound so don't be reserved. If you are interested in reading the rest of Jonathan Edwards resolutions, please click the link below and enjoy greatness.

The Resolutions of Jonathan Edwards

Tomorrow is my first official day back at work after having some holiday time off to spend with my family. I know I should be ready to go back and part of me is, but another part of me has no interest in it. I have had a really good time with my family over this vacation. I will spend some of the next few days posting about what I have done over the break, but feel free to share what you have done over your time off with (if you had some). I am also pushing the late night hours today so I will bet you that I am going to be dragging first thing in the morning tomorrow because I will actually have to wake up and not just get out of bed when the dogs start barking. That is going to stink, but it is the cost of being a night owl I guess.